The Art of Condolence - What to Write, What to Say, What to Do at a Time of Loss - Leonard M. Zunin, M.D., and Hilary Stanton Zunin

Jul 30, 2026

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A practical guide to supporting people through grief after a loss, combining guidance on what to write, what to say, and what to do in the earliest moments and in the long aftermath. The book maps the phases of grief and explains common emotional and attachment responses, then provides etiquette, composition guidelines, and example approaches for letters, notes, sympathy cards, and telegrams. It also offers communication strategies, compassionate actions, and discussion of special circumstances, including professional, spiritual, and therapeutic support needs.

LanguageEnglish

CategoryHealthcare

FormatPDF

Pages297

Reading Time12 h 28 min

AccessFree to download

Part I The Healing Journey

Why Condole? I’m So Sorry

The Phases of Grief

Attachment and Loss

Part II What Can I Write?

Getting Started

Guidelines for Composing Letters and Notes of Condolence

Just a Few Words

Part III Different Losses, Different Griefs

A Death in the Family

Special Situations

Professional Issues

Upon the Death of a Pet

Part IV What Can I Say?

Allowing What Is

Conversational Hints

Part V What Can I Do?

Actions from the Heart

Rites of Passage, Rites of Death

Part VI The Challenge to Our Beliefs

Why Me?

A Spiritual Perspective

Part VII When More Help Is Needed

Grief Therapy and Support Groups

If Grief Is Too Much

Final Thoughts for Those Who Help: The Limits of Compassion

Recommended Resources

Suggested Readings

Index

The Art of Condolence What to Write, What to Say, What to Do at a Time of Loss Leonard M. Zunin, M.D., and Hilary Stanton Zunin To our parents, with love and gratitude Contents Acknowledgments vii Preface ix Part I The Healing Journey 1 Why Condole? I’m So Sorry Helping Those Who Grieve To Err Is Human…Very Human The Lessons of Condolence 2 The Phases of Grief Let the Healing Begin Shock, Numbness, and Disbelief Experiencing the Pain Resolution and Acceptance 3 Attachment and Loss The Ties That Bind The Mini-Grief Response Part II What Can I Write? 1 3 9 23 27 4 Getting Started The Most Difficult Letter of All How to Begin Etiquette Words of Caution 5 Guidelines for Composing Letters and Notes of Condolence Letters: The Seven Components Three Additional Options Sympathy Notes: The Four Components If You’re Having Difficulty Writing 6 Just a Few Words Sympathy Cards Sympathy Telegrams Part III Different Losses, Different Griefs (with Selected Letters of Condolence) 7 A Death in the Family Upon the Death of a Parent Upon the Death of a Spouse Upon the Death of a Child 8 Special Situations Upon Death by Suicide, Violence, or Accident Upon Death by AIDS Upon the Death of a Member of the Military 29 35 46 53 55 91 9 Professional Issues 113 Physicians and Other Health-Care Professionals The Clergy Business Organizations 10 Upon the Death of a Pet 130 Part IV What Can I Say? 137 11 Allowing What Is 139 Being There Acceptance and Reassurance The Power of Touch 12 Conversational Hints 146 Swift to Hear, Slow to Speak Suggestions for Positive and Healing Communication A Four-Step Guide: Debriefing Part V What Can I Do? 161 13 Actions from the Heart 163 The First Few Hours In the Days That Follow Thoughtful Gifts to Give Acts of Service Aftershocks over the Years 14 Rites of Passage, Rites of Death 180 How We Say Good-bye Difficult Choices Special Issues Part VI The Challenge to Our Beliefs 191 15 Why Me? 193 How to Respond Religious Consolation The Shift from “Why Me?” to “What Now?” 16 A Spiritual Perspective 200 The Transcendent and the Mysterious Crisis and Opportunity Part VII When More Help Is Needed 205 17 Grief Therapy and Support Groups 207 18 If Grief Is Too Much 212 Final Thoughts for Those Who Help: The Limits of Compassion 219 Quotations Through Time: Words of Tender Understanding 223 Recommended Resources 241 Suggested Readings 247 Index 259 About the Authors Praise Cover Copyright About the Publisher Acknowledgments Nearly four years ago we accepted the challenge of this project together, and together we wish to express our gratitude to all those who helped The Art of Condolence come to be. We are deeply grateful to those friends, relatives, and professional associates who contributed their invaluable suggestions, insights, and support: Marina Aritheri, M.D., Lynn Bains, M.A., Edwin P. Brennan, M.D., Nancy S. Brennan, Eric Butler, Barbara Fetesoff, M.L.S., Jason A. Gross, Steven R. Johnson, Jeru Kabbal, Susan Kane, Monica Lehner-Kahn, Joyce Manning, Jessica Merrill, Diane Meyers, R.N., M.S.N., Lou and Judy Niemerow, Charman Palmer, M.D., Sydney Salmon, M.D., Jennifer A. Scarano, Ina H. Scarano, R.N., Ph.D., Victor R. Scarano, M.D., JD.L., Brenda Soobis, Ed and Mary Ann Stanton, Sydney Stanton, Tom Stanton, Cynthia Ruth Tarango, Helaina Zunin Taylor, Don and Marie Woolf, Ira David Zunin, and Louis and Betty Zunin. Special thanks to Norm Badion, Head of Reference, and the staff of the Napa City/County Library. A particular note of appreciation to our European colleagues. Their sensitivity is a blessing to all with whom they work, and their attitude toward life’s end is an inspiration: Yves Camberlein, M.D., Director, Unité de Soins Palliatifs, Hôpital International de l’Université de Paris; Brigitte Champenois, M.D., Director, Unité Mobile de Medicine

FAQs

What does the book cover about the healing journey after a loss?

It explains why condolence matters, introduces the phases of grief, and discusses attachment and common grief responses to support understanding and healing.

How does the book help readers write effective letters or notes of condolence?

It provides step-by-step guidance for starting, offers etiquette and cautions, lists components for letters and sympathy notes, and suggests alternatives when writing is difficult.

What communication and actions are recommended when someone is grieving?

It offers ways to allow what is, reassure and support through respectful conversation and touch, and outlines caring actions such as gifts, service, and involvement in meaningful rites.

Where does the book address faith and additional support when grief is overwhelming?

It discusses responding to “Why me?”, offers a spiritual perspective, and covers when grief therapy and support groups are needed, including limits of compassion for helpers.

Jul 30, 2026

Upload by Aurelia