A Futura Book - Foreword - Professional insults and put-downs collection

Oct 13, 2026

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Compilation of humorous insult, put-down, squelch, and quip material presented as a practical set of “right retort” lines for verbal encounters. The foreword frames insults as a challenge and introduces humor-based counters, referencing esprit de l’escalier and heckler-stoppers used by comedians. The book positions memorization as a method to respond quickly with razor-sharp wit, while acknowledging the gap between deserved reputation and actual capabilities.

LanguageEnglish

CategoryLiterature

FormatPDF

Pages132

Reading Time3 h 23 min

AccessFree to download

FOREWORD

FUTUR△ ◎UCH!All the insults you'll ever needDAVE DUTTONillustrated by Mike Roberts = 'Fate never wounds more deeply the generous heartthan when a blockhead's insult points the dart'DR SAMUEL JOHNSON 'When God gave you teeth,he spoiled a bloody good arse’BERNARD MANNING DAVE DUTTON Futura # A Futura Book Copyright CDave Dutton 1987 First published in Great Britain in 1987by Futura PublicationsA Division of Macdonald &Co(Publishers)LtdLondon &Sydney All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced,stored in a retrieval system,or transmitted,in anyform or by any means without the priorpermission in writing of the publisher,nor beotherwise circulated in any form of binding orcover other than that in which it is published andwithout a similar condition including thiscondition being imposed on the subsequentpurchaser. ISBN0708835635 Printed in Great Britain byWilliam Collins,Glasgow Futura PublicationsA Division of Macdonald &Co(Publishers)LtdGreater London HouseHampstead RoadLondon NW17QXA BPCC plc Company CONTENTS Foreword……………………………… …………………………………7 Top of the Unpops………… ……………………………………9 Character Assassination Course…………………………19 Looks Aren't Everything ………………………………………42 Wedded Blisters……………………………………………………………72 Dumbo Jests…………………… ……………………………………………80 He/She's So Stupid, He/She Thinks That………89 Jaw Jaw Haw Haws.. ………………………………………………91 The World's Biggest Sucker……………………………………97 Gone— But Forgotten…………………………………………100 You Know You're In a Rough Area When……103 Ouch!— Take That……………………………………………………105 # FOREWORD They say there are only three ways of dealing withaninsult... The first is to ignore it. The second is to give the person delivering it athump on the nose. The third is to top it with a better one... I suspect that most of us ordinary mortalswould find the first course of action extremelydifficult,the second inadvisable and the third well-nigh ruddy impossible... Most of us faced with such a situation wouldprobably slink away only to agonize in the middleof the night as to the crushing rejoinder we wouldhave uttered—if only we could have thought ofone at the time. The French call it esprit de I'escalier —staircasewit —or the witty remark that occurs to one afterthe opportunity to make it has been lost. How often have we envied the capabilities ofthe top cabaret comedians who,when confrontedby some intrusive heckler,have effortlessly andswiftly reduced that selfsame heckler to a quiver-ing laughing-stock by instantly responding withmerciless quick-fire one-liners...? What most people don't realize is that thosecomedians have a ready stock of 'heckler-stoppers'on which to draw in any emergency.What soundslike an ad-lib is in fact a carefully-laid trap for the unwary.The right retort for the right occasion... Which is what this book is all about ...inattempting to provide the right retort for the rightoccasion I have compiled hundreds of put-downs,squelches,insults and quips guaranteed to givethat extra edge in any verbal joust. As Hazlitt said:He who puts up with insultinvites injury'.So don't... Do what the professionals do -memorizesome of the insults enclosed herein to use as andwhen the occasion demands and you'll soon gain areputation for having a razor-sharp wit far inexcess of your actual capabilities. It will be totally undeserved of course.But then,only you and I will know that...won't we? Dave Dutton

FAQs

What does the foreword say are the three ways to deal with an insult?

It lists three approaches: ignore it, respond with a physical thump, or answer with a better one.

What is “esprit de l’escalier” as described in the foreword?

It refers to the witty remark that occurs after the chance to use it has passed—often learned only too late.

How does the book suggest readers respond in real situations?

By memorizing a selection of insults and retorts from the book so they can be used when the occasion demands quick replies.

Oct 13, 2026

Upload by Mia