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It introduces Blue as a pivotal presence linked to nightmares and waking screams, then shifts to a quieter grief in which a childhood “ghost” demands to be heard, while the narrator balances healing with ongoing terror.",{"@graph":69,"@context":122},[70,84,105],{"@type":71,"itemListElement":72},"BreadcrumbList",[73,77,79,82],{"item":74,"name":75,"@type":76,"position":8},"https://docshare.wps.com","Home","ListItem",{"item":78,"name":9,"@type":76,"position":14},"https://docshare.wps.com/document/",{"item":80,"name":10,"@type":76,"position":81},"https://docshare.wps.com/document/story-novel/",3,{"item":83,"name":65,"@type":76,"position":19},"https://docshare.wps.com/document/mud-lilies-chapter-1-before-my-first-rape/427370/",{"url":83,"name":65,"@type":85,"image":86,"author":91,"headline":65,"publisher":94,"fileFormat":97,"inLanguage":63,"description":67,"dateModified":98,"datePublished":99,"encodingFormat":97,"isAccessibleForFree":100,"interactionStatistic":101},"DigitalDocument",{"url":87,"@type":88,"width":89,"height":90},"https://docshare.wps.com/thumbnails/mud-lilies-chapter-1-before-my-first-rape/427370.png","ImageObject",300,407,{"name":92,"@type":93},"Fans","Person",{"url":74,"name":95,"@type":96},"DocShare","Organization","application/pdf","2026-10-21","2026-09-29",true,{"@type":102,"interactionType":103,"userInteractionCount":19},"InteractionCounter",{"@type":104},"ViewAction",{"@type":106,"mainEntity":107},"FAQPage",[108,114,118],{"name":109,"@type":110,"acceptedAnswer":111},"What triggers the narrator’s sense of self after the assault?","Question",{"text":112,"@type":113},"After the rape, she sees her reflection as “revolting,” and she comes to hate her face, future, and fate, leading her to sell the only thing she has for money.","Answer",{"name":115,"@type":110,"acceptedAnswer":116},"Who is Blue, and why does he matter in the chapter?",{"text":117,"@type":113},"Blue enters through portals when she is “broken wide open,” pulling her close during a period of frantic need. 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COPY—NOT F0R SALE\n\nMUDLILIES  \n# ADVANCED READING COPY—NOT FOR SALE\n\nMUDLILIES  \na noved by  \nINDRARAMAYAN  \nCopyright ◎2022 Indra RamayanThis edition copyright ◎2022 Cormorant Books Inc.  \nNo part of this publication may be reproduced,stored in a retrieval systemor transmitted,in any form or by any means,without the prior written consent ofthe publisher or a licence from The Canadian Copyright Licensing Agency(Access Copyright).For an Access Copyright licence,visit www.accesscopyright.ca or call toll free I.800.893·5777.  \nCanada  \nCanadä  \nGanadan Parimoine  \nor the Arts  \ndu Canada  \nHertag9  \ncanadin  \nOntario  \nWe acknowledge financial support for our publishing activities:the Governmentof Canada,through the Canada Book Fund and The Canada Council for the Arts;the Government of Ontario,through the Ontario Arts Council,Ontario Creates,and the Ontario Book Publishing Tax Credit.We acknowledge additionalfunding provided by the Government of Ontario and the Ontario Arts Councilto address the adverse effects of the novel coronavirus pandemic.  \nLIBRARY AND ARCHIVES CANADA CATALOGUING IN PUBLICATION  \nTitle:Mud lilies/Indra Ramayan.  \nNames:Ramayan,Indra,author.  \nIdentifiers:Canadiana(print)202IO362375 I Canadiana(ebook)202I0362391lISBN 978I770866409(softcover)I ISBN 978I7708664I6(HTML)Classification:LCC PS8635.A46145 M832022IDDC C8I31.6—dc23  \nCover photo and design:Angel Guerra/ArchetypeInterior text design:Tannice Goddard,tannicegdesigns.ca  \nThe interior of this book is printed on 100%post-consumer waste recycled paper.Printed and bound in Canada.  \nManufactured by Friesens in Altona,Manitoba,Canada in February 2022.  \nCORMORANT BOOKS INC.  \n260 SPADINA AVENUE,SUITE 502,TORONTO,ON MST 2E4www.cormorantbooks.com  \nTo all my heroes.  \nCHAPTER ONE  \nBEFORE MY FIRST RAPE,I thought I was pretty.I used to playwith makeup and pretend to be a supermodel getting ready fora runway show.I'd cover the lamp with a pink pashmina,tunethe radio to the Chill Channel,and imitate the starry-eyed,fish-lipped expressions of magazine models in the mirror.Afterthe rape,I found my reflection revolting.I hated my face,myfuture,and my fate.I hated myself so much,I put my life upfor sale.  \nI sold the only thing I had for money.  \nAnd then I got so tangled in the weeds of my trauma,Icouldn’t touch my life anymore.  \nSo I gave the rest of it away.  \nI didn’t even try to salvage the shreds of my being as theyfell away and ripped open dangerous portals to the darkest ofpeople.People disguised as friends,mothers,and lovers.Peoplewho fit my narrative that the world was evil,and I'd neverbe safe.That better was for everyone else,and mediocre wasthe best I could ever hope for.That I should never want foranything more than to survive for one more day —and often,I'd wish not to.  \n2 INDRA RAMAYAN  \nThat's how Blue got in.He breezed in through one of thoseportals when I was broken wide open and bleeding my desper-ation into a world that didn't care.He pulled me so close,Icouldn't see his darkness.All I felt was the frantic neediness ofa ruined teenager clinging to the last pieces of herself.I had tohold onto something,so I held onto him,and it's taken me fiveyears to start letting go.  \nI used to dream of Blue almost every night.It made mefeel like a puppet dancing in random sideshows for the devil.In every dream,I was leaning against the countertop,and hewas kissing me.But in my dreams our brains weren't sick,and he wasn't dead yet.And every single time,I'd wake up toscreams—his or mine,I still don't know.  \nThe screams have begun to fade,but now I hear a farawayweeping,like a lost child crying in a ravine.My childhoodghost is restless beneath the surface of the shallow grave whereI buried her.She wants out.And I want to dig her out,but I’mstill too scared to see her.  \nI tell her that we're fine,that I've made real progress,andI have a future.I'm in my fourth year of my Bachelor of Artsdegree and on my way to","cbCaicj5evEBoRNX","https://ap.wps.com/l/cbCaicj5evEBoRNX","pdf",15361038,396,"English","# Chapter One\n## Before My First Rape","[{\"question\":\"What triggers the narrator’s sense of self after the assault?\",\"answer\":\"After the rape, she sees her reflection as “revolting,” and she comes to hate her face, future, and fate, leading her to sell the only thing she has for money.\"},{\"question\":\"Who is Blue, and why does he matter in the chapter?\",\"answer\":\"Blue enters through portals when she is “broken wide open,” pulling her close during a period of frantic need. He also appears in recurring dreams, accompanied by waking screams.\"},{\"question\":\"How does the narrator describe ongoing healing and the “childhood ghost”?\",\"answer\":\"She says the faraway weeping grows louder as her childhood “ghost” becomes restless under a buried grave. She believes there is shelter and healing even with “imperfect wings,” but she is still afraid to fully face what the ghost demands.\"}]","Mud lilies - Chapter 1 - Before My First Rape | PDF",1790643661,610]