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The analysis centers on an academic calendar filled with data points, used to assess her progress, identity formation, and development within the academic role. 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León  \nSaint Mary’s College of California  \nAbstract  \nIn this article, a junior faculty member explores her obsessions with the distribution of time in the areas of teaching, scholarship, service and personal life through an intensive analysis of an academic calendar, populated with data points in those areas. Through this analysis, she examines her first year and her own development as an academic.  \nKeywords: self study, first-year professor, education, inner life  \nRaina J. León is currently an assistant professor of education at Saint Mary’s College of California. email: [rjl6@stmarys-ca.edu](rjl6@stmarys-ca.edu)  \nIt's August 2011. I have been using my office for a little over a week.  \nI am absolutely terrified that someone will catch me. I am not doing what I am supposed to be doing. I am not even sure what I am supposed to be doing, but it is certainly not playing Bejewelled on my iPhone in my office. The door is partly closed, and perhaps that’s why I jump in my chair at the sound of a door suddenly being opened. It’s not mine; it’s probably the associate dean’s office. He’s just next door, and his office seems to always be buzzing with folks coming in and out. It is accreditation visit time.  \nIt’s not my door, and still I find my heart racing. My head has focused on the knob. The phone rests in my hand, my playing finger still poised and ready to move another jewel into exploding glory. I am waiting to be caught tech-handed, and I realize that I have no excuse for what I assume is bad behavior for a professor.  \nI was a high school teacher. Now, I am a professor of education. I let that new identity unfold like a loosed red ribbon spool. Part of me wants to hold tight the end, follow until the spool can be captured and wound back to the beginning. Does one ever stop being a high school teacher? I wonder. Who is the professor in me?  \nIn preparation for the first course I am teaching in my first appointment as an assistant professor, I have immersed myself in texts. That’s what I am taking a break from for a moment a la Pomodoro Technique. Now, I share with you what Parker Palmer describes in The Courage to Teach, a look into this academic’s inner life: (Palmer, 2010):  \nIf identity and integrity are more fundamental to good teaching than technique – and if we want to grow as teachers – we must do something alien to academic culture: we must talk to each other about our inner lives – risky stuff in a profession that fears the personal and seeks safety in the technical, the distant, the abstract (p. 12) .  \nI was so recently panicked to the point of my heart racing, all rooted in the prospect of being proclaimed an academic fraud for play, as if play has no place in academia, as if I had no right to rest my mind in whatsoever way I found fit, as if I was bad, the bad professor long before I have even met my students.  \n* * *  \nIt was a privileged position in which I found myself that August. A woman of color appointed as a tenure-track assistant professor in Education at a small, liberal arts college, I recognize now that I was and am something of an anomaly as the majority of faculty, particularly women faculty, if full-time, are not tenure-track (Banerji, 2006) . Women are more likely to hold part-time positions at universities (Curtis, 2011) . While the percentage of underrepresented minority faculty members is growing, it still remains low despite a growing commitment by universities to diversifying their campuses (Moreno, Smith, Clayton-Pedersen, Parker, & Teraguchi, 2006) . In a 2006 Latina/o Education Summit Report (Pérez Huber, et al, 2006), I saw this clearly delineated by numbers relating the reality of the United States educational pipeline. If 100 African American female students started in elementary school, only .3% of them graduated with a doctorate. Of 100 Latinas, it was the same number: .3% . When Latinas were divided by ","cbCaipSMYXQbqZD7","https://ap.wps.com/l/cbCaipSMYXQbqZD7","pdf",591937,"English","# Abstract\n# First-year identity and fear\n# Preparing for teaching\n# Inner life in academic culture\n# Academic positionality and representation\n# Quantifying daily work through calendars","[{\"question\":\"What does the article analyze to understand a first-year professor’s experience?\",\"answer\":\"It analyzes her own academic calendar and the time she logs across teaching, scholarship, service, and personal life.\"},{\"question\":\"Why does the author feel anxious about being seen or evaluated?\",\"answer\":\"She fears being “caught” and worries that her behavior and even her ideas about play and rest do not fit academic expectations.\"},{\"question\":\"How does keeping a calendar help reduce the author’s anxiety?\",\"answer\":\"She quantifies her daily activities by listing tasks and later adding more detailed time breakdowns to track teaching, scholarship, and service.\"}]","Fight or Flight - An Account of a Professor’s First Year Obsession | PDF",1792079456,15]